Vampires Suck

Vampires Suck


Vampires Suck is a parody of the Twilight movie series. This movie's plot consists mainly of a patchwork of events taken from the first two movies in that series - Twilight and Twilight Saga: New Moon.

Becca Crane (Jenn Proske) moves back to the small Washington town of Spooks to live with her divorced father, Frank Crane (Diedrich Bader). At her new school, Becca is immediately attracted to, and forms a relationship with, the mysterious Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter). He is a vampire, like his adopted family. The plot thickens when a love triangle develops between Edward, Becca and Becca's childhood friend, Jacob White (Chris Riggi). Jacob is a Native American who also happens to be a werewolf. Becca's life is then threatened by a trio of rogue vampires.


The supernatural; vampires; werewolves; teenage relationships


Vampires Suck is full of highly exaggerated, gruesome violence, which is played for comedy. For example:

  • During the Saint Salvatore festival, a group of teenage girls attack Becca with shovels and planks of wood. One girl smashes Becca over the head with a long-handled shovel, knocking her to the ground. An all-out fight erupts between people who are fans of Edward and others who are fans of Jacob. Girls hit each other on the face and head with weapons such as shovels, pitchforks and planks of wood.
  • Becca's father, Frank, has a fight with a man in a wheelchair. Frank punches the man in the head and smashes the wheelchair over the man's head. The man smashes Frank's head against the pavement.
  • Becca is bullied by other students at school. Several students throw cartons of milk over her back. One places a sign saying 'Kick me' on her back, and a second student kicks her hard. A male student walks up to Becca and says, 'Hey new student!' He punches her in the face, knocking her to the ground.
  • Edward bites a woman's throat. Blood trickles from the wounds.
  • Edward juggles a baby, a bowling ball and an apple. He lets the baby fall into a bag, followed by the bowling ball. We hear a crunch but do not see the baby injured.
  • A car nearly hits Becca, but Edward saves her by pushing another student in front of her. The car hits the student, causing serious injury. Later we see the injured student wearing a neck brace and an upper body plaster cast.
  • Frank asks Becca to demonstrate how she would protect herself using mace spray. She sprays mace into her father's eyes. He collapses in pain with red and swollen eyes.
  • Frank asks Becca to kick him in the groin. Becca hesitates but then kicks her father. He collapses on the ground.
  • Frank asks Becca to rip his moustache from his face, which Becca does. We see a bloody wound left where Frank's moustache used to be.
  • Edward chases a squirrel, catches it and brings it back in his mouth. We hear a crunch and see the squirrel dead and bleeding in Edward's mouth. A short time, later the squirrel reanimates as a vampire squirrel and attacks Edward.
  • Edward hurls Becca into the air. She crashes through the ceiling of her bedroom. Several seconds later, she crashes back through the roof of the house and lands in her bedroom again.
  • Becca cuts her finger on a piece of paper. A gush of blood fountains out of the wound. One of Edward's vampire brothers can't control his blood lust and leaps at Becca. Edward knocks Becca out of the way. Becca is thrown against a wall, breaking her arm. A bone pokes through the flesh of her arm, and blood gushes from the wound. Becca pours this into a pyramid of champagne glasses, from which Edward's family drinks.
  • Becca sprays mace into the face of another woman. The woman ends up in pain with red swollen eyes.
  • Three vampires attack Becca. One of them bites her on the arm, leaving his fangs and entire set of teeth embedded. Edward hits one of the vampires over the head with a baseball bat. This rips the vampire's head from its shoulders and sends it flying through the air. It smashes through a car's back window. We see the severed head with some blood on the neck wound.
  • Edward sucks poison from a vampire bite on Becca's arm. Then he uses a crazy straw to suck the blood out of Becca's arm. Her arm shrivels as Edward sucks the blood out.
  • Becca daydreams about repeatedly stabbing another girl in the chest.
  • Four men attack a vampire, ripping its limbs and head from its torso.
  • A woman hanging out of a moving car throws a champagne bottle at Becca. It smashes on Becca's head.
  • Becca head-butts a man, knocking him to the ground.
  • A group of girls who are Jacob supporters attack Edward with clubs. One of the girls hits Edward in the side of the head with a spiked club. The spikes are embedded in his head, and blood trickles from the wound. Edward pulls the spiked club from the side of his head and seems to be OK.

Content that may disturb children

Under 8

In addition to the violent scenes mentioned above, there are some scenes in this movie that could scare or disturb children under the age of eight. For example:

  • There is a large menacing vampire, with a single, very large fang in the front of his mouth.
  • Pale-faced snarling vampires show large sharp fangs.
  • A hamster skeleton plays on a running wheel in a cage.
  • A high school student opens his backpack to reveal several harvested human organs. One is a beating bloody heart.
  • A man has his neck broken after being hit by a car. The jagged ends of broken bones start to push through his neck. He has a broken arm with bones protruding through a bloody wound.
  • A snarling, fanged vampire squirrel attacks Edward.
  • Jacob appears as part-werewolf on several occasions. He has a mangy tail, pointy hairy ears and a flat hairy nose. Once Jacob opens his shirt to reveal a very hairy stomach and ten nipples like a wolf.
  • At a party, a vampire hands around a tray loaded with bloody human fingers, with a bowl full of blood for dipping sauce.

From 8-13

Children in this age group are likely to be disturbed by some of the scenes mentioned above.

Over 13

Younger children in this age group might be disturbed by some of the scenes mentioned above.

Sexual references

Vampires Suck contains crude and overt sexual references throughout.

Alcohol, drugs and other substances

This movie contains some use of substances. For example:

  • A man drinks from a wine bottle labelled 'True Blood'.
  • Blood trickles from Becca's nose. Becca says that she shouldn't have partied with Lindsay Lohan the night before.
  • Becca's father leaves her a note telling her that there are drugs in the top drawer.
  • Several young men pour beer down a funnel into the mouth of another man.
  • A young woman talks about binge drinking as if it is the popular thing to do.

Nudity and sexual activity

Vampires Suck contains some nudity and sexual activity. For example:

  • Edward removes his clothes in front of a large crowd of people. His naked chest, abdomen and hips are visible, but the crowd blocks the view of his genitals. When the camera zooms in, we see a large spinning disco ball covering the area.
  • A teenage girl and boy wrap their legs and arms around each other and kiss passionately in the school canteen.
  • Edward walks into the school cafeteria with a large bulge in the leg of his pants. A girl appears impressed.
  • Edward lies on Becca's bed and Becca straddles him. They kiss and Becca uses her mouth to remove a ring from Edward's finger. When Becca opens her mouth, the ring appears to have transformed into a tongue stud. They then discuss having sex.
  • Several young men with bare chests and wearing shorts dance together suggestively, touching each other as they dance.

Product placement

The following products are displayed or used in this movie: electronic media such as mobile phones, facebook and Twitter; brand-name products such as Cheetos, Tampax and Slurpee; and a Segway scooter.

There are also numerous pop culture references to and jokes about celebrities including Taylor Swift, the Jonas Brothers, Lindsay Lohan, the Black Eyed Peas, George Clooney, Chris Brown, Tiger Woods and Lady Gaga.

Coarse language

Vampires Suck contains coarse and crude language and put-downs throughout.

Ideas to discuss with your children

Vampires Suck is made by the writers/directors of Epic Movie, Date Movie and Meet the Spartans. It is a parody of the Twilight movies. It relies heavily on crude humour and sexual references rather than clever satire, and contains no real message. The word 'vampire' in the title might attract teenagers, but it is not suitable for children under 15.

If you have older children, you might wish to discuss with them the features of the Twilight movies parodied by this movie. You could also talk about what it has to say about the genre.